This may sound pretentious.

My already stunted confidence shrinks everyday that goes by without an answer from UF. Literally. I don't see myself at FSU, at all, and I've tried to. I can't be cocky about FSU though, I haven't heard back from there either. I know that there is no real difference in going to community college but, again I don't see myself there. I've been president of this, participated in that, volunteered here and there, and I let it all fly away by panicking. As much as I am the quintessential afraid-of-change girl, I really want my 19 year-old self to be a 180 of myself today (maybe just 100). I could ramble on about this forever but, I shouldn't. I'm trying to get straight A's for once this year. ps. I love reading.

AND. I. WILL. PASS. BOTH. AP. EXAMS.

Damn, I wish I could write. I just want to give meaning to my, otherwise, meaningless words.

Ask me what I got for Christmas and I'll reply with 'nothing.'

A couple of days prior to Christmas day my mom and younger brother were involved in a serious accident which led to a totalled van and a flipped over truck. Luckily, everyone was able to leave with minor aches and bruises. That same night, a flurry of relative from new York arrived. Needless to say, no time was left for my last-minute-deals shopping mother to buy superficial gifts.

I spent Christmas day babysitting younger cousins, cleaning, and trying to speak over naturally loud Albanians and, I wouldn't of had it any other way.

Ask me what I got for Christmas and I'll reply with 'everything.'

That word has been on my tongue and mind all day. I haven't enjoyed thinking about it or conjugating it into the fourteen tenses of the Spanish language.

Out of today, I would like for everyone that I love to know that they are loved and most importantly, appreciated.

I am a very emotional person but, I am not the one who easily expresses them. I may not say the words very often, but just so you know I Love You.

No Mueras.

Someone please exlpain to me why I've been getting so emotional lately. Not even the good emotional. I'm talking envy, wrath and every other deadly sin out there.

I don't know why I feel that my life is out of control.  There is a lack of interest with everything I do. Why?

I wish I lied less, especially the stupid stuff that I shouldn't sweat but, you would. I blame you for wanting to only hear the lies. The truth would be a lot easier. The truth starts next year. I hate to lie.

blah.

I need to focus. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. One step at a time.

Overwhelming; describes the past two weeks or so for me. Frustrated; describes me for the past two weeks. Remorseful; describes me now.

I'm done with bad energy. I create my mood. Complaining, in no way alleviates anything.

Positive, happy and fun Silvi is still here.

breathe out.

18

As of August 14th I am officially an "adult." 

Why, yes I am happy.

Tonight there is a full moon.

I am tired. I'm over my bad mood for the night but most of all, I'm over him. I'm glad. Now, I'm on stuck on someone else. My "type" has changed. I have even more. I'm in love with music again. Any photographic inspiration has been lost, forgotten or stolen. I think I'm an OK big sister. I dislike traffic. Summer of '08 in Spain.  I'm almost eighteen. I like school, but I'm not very challenged right now. I am not as smart as I've always thought. I dislike the people that can tell that. I'm okay with being a liar. Anyone want to date a liar?  There is still hope for me to become an astronaut. I need to take the SAT's again. I need a tutor. I try to drink decaf. I'll never  be able find God. I have really been trying. I love my parents, no matter what mood I'm in. Today my hair stayed nicely. Mike isn't a dick anymore. I will never be able to be punctual. Lover's Spit is my anthem. I was able to type the last couple of sentences without looking but, not without errors. I can't believe I still use Xanga.  Chances are that I won't be accepted to UF. Eighteen will be no different than seventeen is so far. I don't understand my need  to stay awake until sunrise doing nothing. I have saved up about five thousand. I am spoiled. Very. Xanga better be around when I'm a senior citizen. I have two jobs. CVS and Patchington. I'm thinking that I just don't know. I must be talking to someone to avoid feeling like I sometimes do. I wish you were proud of me. These words will mean something someday. I hope.

Goodnight moon.

Tonight, the city lights had me hypnotized.

I'm really enjoing life and everything and everyone it has introduced me to.

I figured if I kept busy, you would have less to complain about.  Turns outs it gave you more motivation to point out every flaw.

We all have great dreams, to realize them we must wake up.